I suppose this blog is a bit off the beaten track for my usual style but I’d prefer to mix it up slightly rather than having long whiny posts 😛
So let me begin; I went for a routine eye hospital appointment. I spoke with my Professor and Consultant at length and they informed me that my vision was definitely going to get worse; one day i’ll go totally blind (black blind). As I had been preparing for this and noticed myself that my little bit of vision left had been deteriorating it wasn’t a shock, just fact.
Going black blind worries me for 3 main reasons:
•Feeling alone. 24/7 I have technically been black blind for 24 hours after my operation and it was the loneliest time of my life. It felt like i was in the darkest depths of a cave, with nothing but darkness, density and quiet around me. I was alone with only my mind, and as you’ll probably know yourself, your mind can be your best friend or worst enemy.
•Not being able to navigate around homes, or new places, for how little sight I actually have, I rely on it every second of every day. I’m worried about not being able to feel comfortable in a new place, and continuously bouncing off things.
•My sleep cycle; i’m a girl that absolutely love sleep! Well who doesn’t? But talking to friends who are also totally blind, sleep seems to be a major stressor. Humans see light and their body resets itself, your eyes see the light and it distinguishes between light and dark, and your body clock feels more awake, and thus we get tired when it’s dark. (The nonscientific quick version).
I understand it’s normal to feel these apprehensions and deep down I know it’s not my fault, I have no control over it. It’s just human nature to worry about the future, how will I cope? How will I react? Will I be super stressed and take it out on those I love most? Will my sleep pattern get screwed over?
But then I realised there was no point dwelling, when it happens i’ll deal with it, and it’ll just be another hurdle i’ll hav to overcome.
I came to this realisation when I was talking to my family over the weekend, well actually i’ll be honest, my partner pulled me through it.
Earlier this year my partner and I went to a friends’ for the evening. The conversation of my potential total blindness came into conversation, and I said well if it happens i’ll kill myself. My partner Gary and my best friend fell silent, while her fiancee questioned me on it, reminding me i’d been through a lot in my life and I would get through it like everything else. I was stubborn and explained as best I could that if he’d experienced how it felt to lose your sight completely, he’d feel the same way.
When we got home Gary and I had a conversation about it, he even got emotional, saying that I hurt his feelings saying what I did and I was being brutal to myself, , and why couldn’t we get through this together? I realised that I had almost broken the man I love with my selfish words.
And from that moment on I truly realised I might be the person going through it, but i’m not the only person that’s affected by it. Whatever happens as long as I have the support from him, and the rest of my family and friends who’ve supported me through all my struggles in life, i’ll get through it.
No matter how much we worry, stress, and are scared about our futures‘ life is going to come, bitch slap you round the face and leave again. We always have a choice; give up or give it all you’ve got.
I know my sight loss is inevitable, and many things and feelings may occur. but i’ve taken on Gary’s advice and started doing daily tasks in the complete dark to get myself prepared. I still feel happy every time I open my eyes and can still see that little bit. but it’s a positive step toward what will happen, instead of denying it and letting it hit me like a tonne of bricks!
We need to learn to love wholly, show gratitude, and enjoy life to the fullest. Stay true to yourself, and even when the bad times come, roll with it. What matters today, will most likely no longer affect you a year from now.
I hope i’ve shown you that no matter how negative things are, or, could be, we’ve always got something to be positive about.
Happiness and good health to you all 🙂
Much love, Sassy x