Orsolya is a coach and enthusiastic journal writer, and through the power of witing she has discovered not only herself, but a way in which to help others achieve similar goals and hopes.
She lives in Budapest with her husband and 2 children.
I was given the opportunity to have her as a guest on my blog, both to share one of her fantastic journal entries with us, but to answer a few questions I asked her.
As a person who suffers with depression I find writing theraputic, being able to have my thoughts down in writing means I can read it back an analyse how i was at that time.
It has also helped me not only keep my thoughts more fluid and positive, but it has helped me steer away from writing negatively, as this would end up being a trigger to that particular time again in future when I read it back.
Orsolya seems to be in a very similar place with her writing, so I am extremely grateful to share her words and her story.
This is her story.
The concept of good enough
I learned this from Bruno Bettelheim who wrote the book “A good enough parent”. As a woman, a partner, a mother, a child and a worker I have many roles I perform and juggle with within a day. I try to excel in all of my roles–maybe it comes from my parents’ role models, or messages received as a small girl. It doesn’t really matter whether I know the real stem of where it all started. What I know is that it is damn hard to even try to be perfect as a woman, a partner, a mother, a child and a worker, let alone do it simultaneously. My pursuit of doing any of my jobs better the next day than today leaves me exhausted and dissatisfied all the time. And these are feelings I do not want to feed and nurture.
So I adopted the “good enough” mindset. How does it work for me? As a mother I love my children, pay attention to them, spend a lot of time with them–and still there are days when I am frustrated, tired or just want to be left alone. And children are well aware of those times and can give you even a harder time than usual. I end up yelling at them which I am not particularly proud of but it happens from time to time. Being a yelling parent is not an awfully good feeling even if I have apologized for my misbehavior. This could leave me in a state of feeling bad about myself–but do my children need a parent full of self-hatred and self-blame?
I looked at the instances where I lost my temper (from diary notes on conflicts with my children) and found that it happens roughly every two weeks. That leaves 344 days of being a “good” (loving, patient) parent and 21 days of a “not good” (yelling, impatient) parent. If I add up the two, I come up with “good enough” mother. Yes, there are times when I do not live up to my high expectations of myself as a mother (or as a partner, a child, a worker), but most of the time I manage.
My aspiration can (and is) still making that number, 365–but I don’t start a circle of self-blame when I can’t, rather I concentrate on my learning points: what are those moments and situations when I lose my temper? What are my methods of calming down? How can I communicate to my children what happened? I am sure they are hurt when I yell at them, but they also learn a lot from my struggle to overcome my temper and my ways of making up for it. I concentrate on talking about these situations frankly and listening to their side of the story as well. From this point of view, this is a communication skills training for both sides. I do not want to paint the situation pink, rather I would like to emphasize that everything I do will have a mark on my children: my yelling, my coping with my feelings, and my disappointment with myself.
Now it’s your turn. What are those areas of your life where you are, or can, or want, to be “good enough”? Write down a situation and look at it objectively.
• Where is my point of “good enough”?
• How can I keep striving for development yet at the same time feel content with where I already am?
• What are the key learning points of this exercise for myself?
Journaling about challenging situations, hardships and conflicts is beneficial from at least two aspects: first, the recording of events sharpens your attention for recognizing those times when it’s repeated. Second, your awareness and consciousness is enhanced about your behavior, feelings and habitual reactions. And becoming conscious of your life is the first step in making a change.
- What made you choose the career path of being a coach?
I participated at a training where I met a coach. I asked her for a coaching session and I enjoyed the immense attention and the deep questions I received. I was struck by the effect of the conversation, too–I have never thought that talking to someone can have such a profound influence on my life. This experience fuelled my interest in pursuing this career together with my curiosity of others and my questioning skills (both are highly recommended assets of being a coach).
- When have you been most satisfied with your life?
When I fell in love with my partner. We had incredible, intense months in the beginning of our relationship the memories of which I treasure very much.
- Who is your role model and why?
My role model is my mentor who helped me discover the depths of journaling. I have been writing journals for 10 years before we met but he taught me the power writing can have over my life and that I can direct and harness this power. He was the one who said: just change one thing in your life, and your life will change: start writing every day.
- What things do you not like to do?
I don’t like monotony, and with two children I need to do a lot of repetitive housework (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, drying and folding clothes, etc.). I could be definitely better off without these.
I worked as an HR consultant and my main expertise was in recruitment. For a long time I enjoyed the interviews, getting to know so many people, but I burned out and I hope I don’t need to do any more for at least a while.
- Does journaling give you instant thoughts/ways of improving on yourself, or have you learned that through time?
I started journaling about past events, recording the happenings of the day. Then I had the opportunity to take part in powerful writing sessions given to me by teachers and mentors along the way of my life. These writing assignments proved me that journaling has a lot more benefits than keeping memories. But only as I started my blog in 2015, did I start to capture all the lessons and learning points I gained by journaling over 20 years.
Journaling creates consciousness for me which is a starting point of all change and efforts to improve myself. The act of writing makes me aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my behavior, my habitual reactions. I learned to identify them, put them into words that also greatly improved my communication skills. I also believe that words have great power over how I feel and my writing supported me in decreasing the usage of negative words.
By rereading my old journal entries, I also discovered patterns in my life that I wanted to avoid repeating. This also sharpened my memory and I became in charge of my own
Thank you Orsolya for your intresting thoughts.
If you would like to find out more about Orsolya or contact her about starting her journalling course you can visit her website below:
You can also buy her fantastic journals from here.
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did, don’t forget to check out her links! 🙂