As depression rears it’s ugly head I am left with 2 choices; let it control me, or try my best to control it.
I’ve noticed patterns in my behaviour of late that used to smother me like the heat of a sauna. But this time i’m aware and ready to fight back.
I have one gigantic trigger: my sight loss.
That’s where it all began.
That’s where it all stems from.
But it’s slightly different this time. This time I think it’s a chemical imbalance. I have come off my anti depressants.
When I was put on them, I was given a 6 month course, but I kept cashing in more prescriptions as I didn’t feel ready.
But I decided that enough was enough, I wanted to at least try.
I couldn’t tell you the exact date I stopped taking them, because I didn’t want the placebo effect hitting me like a tonne of bricks, as well as the potential chemical imbalance I was going to be facing.
I’m not saying i’ve been perfect since coming off my anti depressants.I had a few down days, some of which lasted longer than others.
But the slap you in the face moment happened early morning last week.
I was sorting out breakfast for Gary and i; firstly I spilt the water all over the sides (actually not uncommon as we have a shite kettle!), and then I started putting away the dishes from the night before. and almost every dish I pulled out was dirty.
I lost my shit and started raging at Gary.
He came over to me.; told me to put the dishes down, and not to worry, it was only dirty dishes.
“Only dirty dishes?! I spent fucking ages washing those dishes, and yet they have shit all over them!!!
What’s the point of me washing them if they aren’t going to be clean?!”
At this point Gary enveloped me in a big hug, and rubbed my back soothingly.
” It’s just dishes Sassy, it’s OK.”
I wanted to shout again, but his calming presence soothed me. Right there and then I knew this was my not so friendly friend depression.
This is the point where I admitted to Gary I hadn’t taken my happy pills in a while, because I wanted to come off them.
He had his reservations about me just stopping them, but said he’d support me in whatever I chose.
I think he or I made a joke about the crazy train starting it’s journey again.
I have to point out here, that a lot of our relationship revolves around,lots of dark humour, which other people would find unnerving or offensive. But that is how we deal with things 🙂
When Gary had left for work, I got on the phone to the Tribal ladies and confessed my psycho bitch fit.
They too were also very supportive, giving me suggestions, virtual hugs and kind thoughts.
In all honesty I was truly embarrassed at my outburst, and sad that it had happened, and I knew in order to deal with it, I had to be honest with the people I care about, and not try and hide it/ palm it off like I used to.
That same morning, a new member of the family arrived into this world, and it instantly lifted my mood.
Being open and honest with Gary, my friends, and myself as well as hearing happy news gave me the oomph to realise I HAVE to focus on the positives, but be honest with myself and others if things are going downhill.
So, how am I going to try and keep my psycho bitch fits at bay?
*Try your best to realise when you are in the midst of an angry outburst or thoughts,. Feeling incredibly numb and withdrawn.
*Breathe deeply, and think only of what your breathing is doing.
*Go cuddle Gary. 🙂
*Talk to Gary, he’s bound to say something to cheer you up.
.*Read up on mindfulness, and try and put it into practise, when not in a low mood. It will get you better equipped for when you need to do it.
*Listen to music. Blasting out one of your happy songs, and squawking terribly along with it, always helps improve your mood.
*Distract yourself by making yourself focus on something trivial/ insignificant.
*Do exercise, I’ve almost forgotten how this word is spelt, never mind said… it’s been so long!
*Text/ call someone. Even if they aren’t free to talk at that moment,writing it down will help to clear your mind.
*Don’t use expletives or negativity when expressing these thoughts. That always gets you ramped up even more.
*Find a task that needs a lot of focus and thoughtfulness. Maybe like writing a blog post? 🙂
*Watch something funny. Stand Up always makes you laugh!
*Make some tea, and enjoy the 10 minutes to sit and drink it.
*Think of something positive. You know, like you’ve been shortlisted for the UK’s most prestigious blogging awards!
*Smile. Yep, forcing yourself to actively smile, actually lifts your mood.
*Allow emotions to be present. Cry, scream, shout, But not at anyone. Be present in acknowledging the feelings, but don’t let them take over.
*If all else fails, and you are at home: SLEEP. That will shut the stressy bitch up, and hopefully it’ll improve your looks! Beauty sleep and all that 😉
*Last, but no means least. Read this blog post, and remind yourself, the train to crazy town has already departed… No point trying to chase it now! 🙂
As you can probably guess, this is a list from me, to me. I now have something officially in writing to come back to if necessary.
Depression is an illness, a brutal thought process that truly can take over your body and mind. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
I chose to take myself off anti depressants, because I want to. And see where mindfulness and positive thinking will get me.
If I need counselling or to go back on them, I will.
Admitting you need help is never a weakness. actually it’s the complete opposite!
My way may not work for everyone, it might not even work for me. But as I feel that I truly am in the happiest place i’ve ever been in my life, I want to see if I can channel that positivity into my daily living, instead of relying on my happy pills.
I will know within myself if it’s an emotional anchor, and not a chemical imbalance anymore.
Since I began this blog I always said I would be truthful with myself, and give my readers that honesty.
Being able to talk openly about all disabilities candidly is my goal.
If I want people to accept disability as another entity, and not a thing that should be shunned or silenced, then I need to show my true colours. That way I feel I am doing the right thing.
If you are not in the best place right now, reach out to someone, or write down your feelings.
You are never truly alone, even if it feels like it.
Big hugs to you all 🙂
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you wonderful human being! ❤️
Much love, Sassy x